Yesterday I had my first day off in sooooo long. The kids were with their mom and my husband was away for business. I literally spent the entire day in bed, watching the trashiest reality TV I could find, eating the trashiest food I could find. And I feel 0% guilt about it.
However, I was struck with an unexecpted feeling. I thought I would enjoy this day of gluttonous indulgence, but instead I felt kind of crappy. I missed the kids. I missed my husband. I had this nagging feeling all day like I was forgetting to do something. Make the lunches. Sign the agenda. Call the pool guy.
More than anything, I felt bored. I missed my job as mom and wife. I realized how happy and satisfied I’ve become with my new life. My now life. And how much I enjoy it.
You see, that used to be my normal. Before I met my husband, I lived alone in my little beach apartment and my life was not sparce of days off. I used to spend days in bed watching Law & Order SVU marathons, nursing hangovers and eating leftover pad thai.
Sometimes I think I miss that life.That life, where my biggest responsibility was getting to the gym in time for spin class.
Life changed so quickly when I met my husband. We quickly fell in love and quickly started down the path toward our future. Quitting my job, moving in with him, selling my beloved beach apartment, taking on the role of step mom, getting married, getting pregnant, getting more and more adult.
It’s like a blinked and everything changed.
I know that the birth of this baby is going to flip the script all over again. Life is about to change in a major way. And I compare the two experiences to riding a rollercoaster.
When my life took a drastic change upon meeting my husband, it was like jumping onto the rollercoaster as it was already in motion. I hopped on and zoomed off on the ride of my life. Twists and turns, sudden drops, rapid ascents and fast loops. I didn’t have a chance to anticipate the change or feel any anxiety over it. It just happened.
Having a baby is the same, but different in one very key way. Instead of hopping onto the rollercoaster mid-ride, I feel lik I have been stuck on that initial climb for the past nine months. Knuckles clenched white over the safety bar, holding my breath, waiting for the ride to start. Click, click, click.
I have a vague sense as to what the change will look and feel like. The first drop, stomach in my throat, 100 mph, soaring, falling, flipping and turning. But the anticipation is enormous.
I never had a chance to anticipate the change my life took when I became a step mom. I just said yes, stepped onto the ride and it shot me off.
I’ve had nine months to be anticipate this change. When will I go into labor? What will it feel like? What will she look like? Will I be any good at this? How will the boys feel? How will she fit into the groove of our life? How will our groove change? Can I handle it?
Nine months of anxiety-ridden questions floating through my mind on a constant converyor belt.
I’m learning that these questions are pointless. I won’t ever have the answers until I look back. It all makes sense later. Life changes no matter what because nothing is permanent. You’re not always going to be a care-free twenty-something meeting guys on Tinder and wearing glitter eye liner. You won’t always love your job. You’re not always going to have massive anxiety attacks in the bathroom because you have no idea how to be a mom. You won’t always feel the crippling fear that his kids will never love you. You’ll get sick. You’ll get healthy. You’ll love your hair. You’ll chop it all off.
You’ll eventually figure yourself out, only to lose yourself all over again. It’s all temporary, babe. That moment, this moment and the next. Our goal is to enjoy the ride. Whether we jump on mid-ride, wait anxiously for the intial drop, stand in line for 5 hours, get stuck upside and need a crew to help us down.You’re on the ride no matter what. So take a deep breath, lift your hands up over your head and love it. Love it hard.