Crumbling Under The Pressure

I can’t take the pressure anymore. I’m crumbling beneath it. The pressure to keep everyone’s spirits lifted. The pressure to keep the house clean. The pressure to keep up with the kids schooling. The pressure to respond to every group chat and email. The pressure to cook healthy meals. The pressure to sanitize every package and delivery. The pressure to be a bouncer at my own front door deciding who is allowed in and who isn’t. The pressure is becoming too much for me to bear. Somethings gotta give. I’m just not sure what. And as I wait to figure that out, I’m crumbling. Falling apart. Breaking down. How much longer can this last? The baby and I both have a cold right now. With a cough. We’re jumping through every possible hoop and STILL caught a cold. How do I know if any of this has been worth it? All of this mental gymnastics.

I’m happy to stay home, but all the extra guesswork is getting to me. Not knowing what’s safe and what’s not. Do I have to clean every package? Can my parents come over? Are people allowed to pet my dog? Can I get the mail from the mailbox? And what about everything I was worried about before all of this? Where did that all go? Nowhere. It’s all still there just swimming around together with these new worries, flooding up my nervous system, on the brink of overflowing. The tears have already started. And I don’t see them stopping anytime soon. I’m sad and scared and worried and tired and I don’t see any end in sight. But I’m strong. I can handle this. If the worst thing that happens to me during all of this is that my mental health takes a hit, then I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I’ve been learning how to heal those kind of scars for over a decade now. I can do this. We can do this. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Letting it all come and go without judgement. Right now I’m moving through a low, dark feeling. But I know and trust that a bright and happy one will swoop in just as quickly as this one did. It’s jarring. It gives me whiplash. But I’ve got to master riding these waves. That’s my best shot. So every day I will try for that. Getting better at riding the waves until I’ve mastered it. 10,000 hours, they say…

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