Maybe writing it out helps. Maybe not.

It’s only 930am. And I already feel like this day has won. I already feel defeated. I already feel flattened. I know that feeling can change just as quickly, but right now, I’m down. I’ll be up again eventually, sure. But right now, I’m down. And I have four people who need me to not be down. They need me to suck it up and pretend I’m never down. I’m always up and ready for whatever they need. And right now I’m just not. I’m not up or ready for anything. I just want to curl up into the corner of the couch and disappear. Like I used when my depression was stronger. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I’ll never be able to give them what they need. I feel useless. I feel invisible. But they need me. And I snap. Because I don’t have anything left to give. And with every time I snap at them, my insides snap a little more. I can feel my insides snapping. Crumbling. Falling apart. And I’m just writing this down because I know this feeling will go away soon. And I’ll move on to feeling bright and happy. But the shadows of these moments linger. And I don’t process them. And I ignore them. And they just show up stronger next time. And I want to figure out a way to avoid that. So maybe writing it out helps. Maybe not.

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