Anxiety and depression are sneaky illnesses. They trick you into believing you’ve got them under control, only to sneak back up on you when you least expect it. My daughter is 8 months old now, and I’m finally realizing my anxiety is back and in full force. It’s been sitting on my chest for a while now, my breaths labored and my thoughts frantic. But I haven’t been paying attention. I’ve just been putting all my eggs in one basket. The baby’s basket. Running on no sleep. Spiraling out of control. Until finally, one day, I cracked. Click here to read more about that particular breakdown.
I know what I need to do to feel better. I have a full arsenal of self-care tools that I am well-versed and practiced in. Yoga, tarot cards, crystals, exercise, clean eating, herbs, journaling essential oils, meditation, talk therapy.
Since having baby I have been completely disconnected from this side of myself. The woman who knows how to take car of herself. The woman who feels put together. Happy. Social. Productive. But I am ready to find her again. The version of myself that feels passionate about life, that finds joy in the day to day, that stands with her two feet grounded, rooted, confident.
Postpartum anxiety snuck up on me
I completely underestimated how much I would change after having a baby. I don’t even recognize myself. I hardly know myself. And I am making it my mission to fix that. Whereas before I lamented the fact that I had changed, that I was “different” than I once was…now I embrace it. I am grateful for my transformation. I have grown and shape-shifted into this newer, better version of myself. And I’m excited about it.
Of course, this is how I feel right now. Fresh on the other side of a massive panic attack. Like I said, anxiety can be a sneaky bitch. Right now I feel like I’ve got a grip, but I know that feeling is temporary. So I’m not giving it too much power. All I know for for sure is that right now, in this moment, I feel hopeful. I couldn’t say that yesterday. And I don’t know for sure if I’ll be able to say that tomorrow. But right now, I’m looking forward. Focused on the road ahead of me.